The Measure of a Man

How do you measure a man? 

This is a question I’ve long been interested in answering—and not in some superficial sense like accomplishments or net worth but in an ultimate and moral sense. 

Where to even begin?

There’s a famous scene at the beginning of Gladiator that touches on the topic. Right before Commodus murders his father, Emperor Marcus Aurelius, the two have a little heart-to-heart about why he is not morally fit to be the next Emperor.  Talk about awkward! 

Commodus says:

"You wrote to me once, listing the four chief virtues: wisdom, justice, fortitude and temperance. As I read the list, I knew I had none of them. But I have other virtues, father. Ambition. That can be a virtue when it drives us to excel. Resourcefulness, courage, perhaps not on the battlefield, but... there are many forms of courage. Devotion, to my family and to you. But none of my virtues were on your list. 

Even then it was as if you didn't want me for your son". 

Marcus then tries to salvage what’s left of his relationship with his son by taking responsibility for his role and responsibility in all this:

"Oh, Commodus. You go too far. Your faults as a son is my failure as a father. 

A few moments later, Commodus proceeds to strangle him to death, proving the point rather decisively.

What this scene illustrates beautifully is the challenge of moral life in a free world. While we live a life of infinite opportunity and have been blessed with a consciousness that can make meaning anywhere and anytime, we cannot just believe or do anything. There are, in fact, limits and priorities and some choices are clearly better than others. 

You see, as free as we are, we are bound by something Sacred—call it God or Truth—and to align with it is the only path to a good life.

I had great occasion to reflect upon all this a few weeks ago when I was down in Dana Point for the birthday party of my friend and longtime business partner, John Young, who turned 70 earlier this month. Our culture wants us to believe that what matters most are the external markers of success. How much money did you make? What did you achieve? How many championships and awards did you win?... But that is not really true. By all the contemporary measures my friend John is a phenomenal success, but it struck me that night that what makes him a truly great man is something else. 

First, some background.

John’s story is a true American rags to riches tale. Abandoned by his biological parents at a very young age, John’s first stroke of fortune was to be adopted, along with his siblings, into a family of upstanding moral character. This was absolutely transformative for John and he still talks about it to this day with a kind of sacred reverence. He must’ve had quite a tough go in those early years before the adoption because he often says he still feels like a 6-year-old boy when he looks in the mirror. To the world, he’s grown into much, much more. 

From humble beginnings as a low wage worker at the local Alpha Beta, John launched a 4-decade entrepreneurial career in real estate, doing just about everything in the business—selling homes, originating mortgages, developing land, building new homes, renovating existing homes, buying and building apartments…you name it! Supported by an amazing wife, an unusually exceptional family, a lot of heart and drive, and a serious knack (alligator blood) for intelligent risk taking, John raised a beautiful family, built a generational fortune, transformed neighborhoods and communities across the country, and served as an industry and community leader along the way.

Rather impressive, right? 

One of the most humbling things about writing this newsletter is that I get a lot of young people reaching out to me for advice on how to be successful. In these conversations, I always try my best to listen well and give some kind of contextually relevant and helpful advice. But for all the good ideas I’ve shared about entrepreneurship, building wealth, and how to be successful I have to admit that the absolute best possible advice I can give to any aspiring young entrepreneur is this:

Go find someone like John Young and convince him/her to back you! 

I know, easier said than done! But if you get lucky like I did, it’ll be the difference maker. All the good advice I can give is like rounding error compared to what someone like John can do to your life trajectory.

John is the ultimate friend and business partner, like the genie in Aladdin. You all remember the tune, right? “You aint never had a friend like me!” Except, in John’s case it’s actually true and he would never, ever say that. I personally know a dozen people, myself included, that have become millionaires based largely on John’s support. And there are dozens and dozens of other people he’s supported along the way, often directly, or with a good paying job, or some much needed encouragement and advice.  I know people even who have done great wrong to John and still walked away as newly minted millionaires. 

Such is his character.

But here’s the thing: you could take away all the remarkable success he’s had in business, the billions of dollars of real estate, the companies he’s started, all the people he’s helped… and he’d still be one of the very best of us, for he is a man who has pursued and prioritized a different kind of success in his life. 

While he has chased money and achievement with the best of them, he’s held himself to a different standard, one informed by the intense personal experiences of his early childhood and the powerful moral example of his adopted family, his real family. Relationships are what John values and whether we’re talking about family, friends, business, or the community, John has consistently shown up as a fiercely loyal and compassionate individual intent on doing some good. 

While our culture idealizes a kind Gordon Gecko vision for the successful man–aggressive, cutthroat, demanding, selfish, braggadocios…, John is the complete opposite—humble, soft spoken, compassionate, understanding, reasonable, self-effacing…. And yet still, he has achieved all that the would-be Gecko’s can dream of and much, much more.  

To be clear, it’s not like John is some saint who has never made a mistake in his life. Jeez, we’ve even made some together! But when he does, John doesn’t go around blaming others or try to run away and hide. Instead, he accepts responsibility and gets busy with the hard work of making things rights and seeing things through to the end.

When people come into John’s orbit they rarely leave and when they do, they walk away better. This was all on full display at his birthday party. At some point that night as I was thinking about all this, I realized that the answer to my question was right there.  While it’s hard to say precisely what makes a good man, if you can reach the age of 70 and have a room of full of family of friends mingling, laughing and talking about how you are one of the best people they know, that has to be the mark. If that’s not winning in this impossible game of life, what is?

There’s a lot we can from John’s powerful example, one of the very best people I know and someone who has become family to me. I’ll leave you with a little preview here.

First of all, we can take heart in knowing that there really is a different and better path to success in modern America. We don’t have to compromise ourselves at the altar of a false cultural vision. 

Secondly, if there is a secret to true and lasting success it’s this:

• Prioritize people and relationships over all else

• Take intelligent risks so long as you are willing to accept full responsibility for your decisions and actions

• Believe in others and be willing to participate in success without having to take credit for it

  &

• Be loyal and steadfast even when it’s not in your obvious immediate best interests.

Finally, to care about and believe in others as much as you do yourself is the ultimate gift you can give.

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