A Better Way to Think about New Year’s Resolutions and Goals

For the last few weeks the Internet has been teeming with stories, tweets, posts, and articles all about New Year’s Resolutions and goals. While I’ve never been big on resolutions, I always love this time of year. There’s something about the natural rhythm and cycle of renewal that is just so refreshing. How often in our busy lives do we stop to reflect and examine how things are really going? Plus, for those out there who have young kids like me, there’s extra meaning to that invigorating feeling of “getting back to work.” 

As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been a “goal-oriented” person but as I’ve grown older, I’ve developed a kind of love hate relationship with goals. Maybe that’s too strong of a statement. “Ambivalence” is a better word. 

What do I mean by that? Goals are a phenomenal psychological tool for motivating human action. No question about that! But they come with some baggage. Because our egos are so annoying and try desperately to identify with anything we show any interest in whatsoever, a goal quickly becomes something more than a noble objective. It becomes instead part of our identity and we get all caught-up in it, often forgetting why we got started in the first place. As such, when we are fortunate enough to actually achieve something, we’re left with a giant hole in our heart and start looking immediately for another goal to fill the avoid. This is what the achievement trap is all about. 

What makes the human journey so hard and confounding is that we are born with the power to choose. It’s also what makes it so beautiful and meaningful. Paradoxically, it’s our freedom that makes life feel like an impossible challenge sometimes. We ask, “what should we choose? And: “why?” And there is no one there to answer, at least not directly. Sure, the universe responds eventually but only indirectly and only very slowly with the enfolding of time. 

When each passing moment is pregnant with infinite possibility—you could do this or that or nothing; take this step or a different one—how do you decide what to do?  If we are honest with ourselves, it’s not all that clear. And it’s not like we can just give up. We determined eons ago that walking around aimlessly isn’t the best use of a human life. Ergo goals.

While I could write a whole book about the subject of goals—where they come from and why, what makes a good goal versus a bad goal…—that’s a subject for another day. Today I want to focus in on one thing:

Why what most people do with New Year’s resolutions and goals is all wrong.

It’s no secret that we live in a rather results-oriented society. We are all about achievement and tend to measure the quality of the individual almost exclusively in external terms. How much money does she have? How many followers? What has she done? You get the idea. We are so focused on the external marks of success that we almost never even question or talk about something like what makes for a good goal. For every one article talking about this, there are a thousand that just assume the standard aims—“get rich,” “get famous” “get shredded”—and focus exclusively on the “how to.” 

With this powerful cultural influence as the backdrop, people tend to craft New Year’s resolutions and goals in the same language. “I want to lose 20 pounds,” or “Make a $1,000,000.” That kind of thing. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with these predictable, standard goals, thinking about things in terms of external end-states is a psychological trap. The problem here is that goals and resolutions require motivation, something we possess only in rather limited supply. The reason so many people fail to keep their resolutions is that they set themselves for an impossible task. Change is about more than mindset; it’s about action. And, for whatever we reason, it’s very hard for us to maintain energy for actions where the goal is far away. What we need to maintain motivation are small goals that appear super clear and vivid in our minds and are close enough in time and magnitude to feel achievable. By the way, the whole powerful apparatus of the Internet and social media is built around a diabolical understanding of the psychology of human motivation and it’s incredibly short-term in its focus.

Anyway, what happens when you measure yourself against some far-off end-state goal is that you circumvent the natural processes that help you keep your will-power tank full. You might feel a burst of energy as you set out to achieve your goal but as the initial excitement dissipates and you start to feel the effects of fast emptying motivation tank, it’s only a matter of time before you are back to your old ways. 

This is why Quitting Day—i.e. Today—is actually a thing. It’s kind of crazy and maybe depressing to think about it, but the 2^nd Friday of January is the day where people are most likely to drop their New Year’s resolutions.  Something like 80% of all resolutions are dropped after 2-weeks. What does that say about us? This is what the motivation drop-off looks like in chart form:

Fortunately, there is a better way! The key is to focus on making changes to the architecture of your day instead of establishing big, bold end-state goals.

I started thinking about this a decade ago when I came across a powerful idea in Maria Popova’s “The Marginalian,” one of the very best newsletters in the world.  As a passionate advocate for presence and awareness, she loves to cite this beautiful quote from author Annie Dillard:

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”  

And I understand why! While it sounds like a simple and obvious notion, it has rather profound implications, especially given our particular cultural milieu. 

We tend to think of life in these big, grandiose terms like our degrees, careers, and major life accomplishments but we actually live life moment-by-moment, day-by-day. Literally everything comes down to small little actions taken in the present moment. This is where phrases like “Rome wasn’t built in a day” come from. All progress, all achievement is a result of a series of tiny actions. How do you climb a mountain? Step-by-step. How do build a house? Brick-by-Brick. You get the idea. 

Dillard’s point is that since life happens in the context of individual days lived in succession that’s where we should focus. This perspective is incredibly helpful when it comes to goals and resolutions. Instead of using-up your limited motivation on some big, bold goal far-off in the future, focus on just living a slightly better day each day.  To make a big change in your life, all you have to do is tweak the architecture of your day to create the necessary space to start taking little steps in the direction of your dreams. In other words, you have to measure yourself against the true stuff of life: your actions in each passing byte size moment. 

Let’s say you want to lose weight or get in better shape. Rather than making some big resolution like “I’m going to lose 30 pounds” think about how you can create the space in your day for more exercise. Start small. Get up 10 minutes earlier and go for a walk. After a few days, you’ll find that there’s a momentum building and instead of feeling depleted you’ll feel energized. Then, keep tweaking the architecture of your day to add more and more time for exercise. Before long, instead of fizzling out, you’ll have established a day architecture of someone who prioritizes exercise. And after a while, the weight loss—your original goal—will come.

The insight here is that because we actually live life in the passing moment, that’s where change happens as well. By focusing on making small, proactive steps in the moment, not only can you keep your will-power tank full but also you can create a momentum that actually improves your capacity for change.  Do this consistently and you will start to build a bigger motivational gas tank. As the days pass, the magic power of compounding will kick-in and you’ll feel like you changed all of a sudden, even though you changed only gradually. This is how you build the life of your dreams.      

So, the next time you are thinking about a resolution or a goal, focus your attention and energy on designing a better day for yourself. Work with your motivation system instead of against it. Create the space for your priorities and just keep taking small steps in the direction of your dreams. And, if you have a set-back—which you will—don’t worry, just take the next small step in the right direction.

Ps. I’m adding a new section to the newsletter to give you all an inside look at the stories, ideas, and people that have caught my attention each week. 

Something to make you stop and think – a story of soap, psychedelics, and a genuine attempt at socially conscious capitalism

Something that you should try – writing for wellness

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